Have You Ever Done This?

I used to sleepwalk a lot when I was a child. Well, sometimes, I apparently still do it to this day. The last episode that I remember was about this time last year. Usually, they’re just regular dreams, don’t mean anything, but this particular one, I’d call it more of a nightmare. I ended up waking my wife, Cyndi from talking in my sleep and getting her all concerned. I don’t remember the dream, only bits and pieces of waking up while physically moving around in and out of the bed.

It went something like this:

“Oh no, please God no, dammit, Oh no, no no!”

I’m lying on my stomach, I’m grabbing a hold of the bed with a death grip in one hand, scratching my head, and body like a crack addict needing his next fix. Cyndi rolls over, startled with the commotion and asks me if I’m alright.

“Son-of-a-bitch! No, please no. Fuck.”

“Shaun, what’s wrong? Honey? You ok? Tell me what’s wrong?”

Suddenly, I slide off of the bed like some kind of cartoon ooze and immediately stand up next to the bed, scratching my head. Cyndi notices I’m pissed off and cursing the bed. She also notices my comical stance, like an ape about to pounce, scratching my head, only in my boxer-briefs.

“Fucking mattress pad,” I reply grumpily.

“Do you need me to help fix it? We just need to put the mattress pad back on correctly,” says Cyndi, still confused on what the hell is going on.

“No, there’s no purpose. Stay in bed.”

I reach down and grab the edge of the micro-fiber mattress pad and look like I’m tugging. At this point, I finally start to wake up and realize that I probably look like a midget trying to pull down the Berlin wall by himself. I let go and look at the bed, confused, but for some reason still pissed off.

“You sure you don’t want me to get up so we can get the mattress pad back on correctly?”

“No, fuck it,” I respond as I notice that I’m nervously fidgeting and scratching different parts of my body.

“Ah, what the hell,” and without any further words, I climb back into bed and pass back out.

So my only guess is that I was dreaming about falling out of bed. After dreaming that, I guess my brain kicked into overload and I started to dream of sexual escapades. I woke up extremely confused and frustrated when the alarm went off. As the day started, I remembered a little of the dream, and bits and pieces of standing up next to the bed, but nothing much of anything else; and so I started that day with a cold shower…


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